THE EPICALLY CRACKY FAIRY TALE KNOWN AS BTR
by hellfirehalo188
Summary: OR THE ONE WHEREIN THERE IS NO CURT NO MORE. OR THE ONE WHEREIN KENDALL IS THE OTHER MAN BUT THEN ISN'T. OR THE ONE WHEREIN EVERYONE LOVES EVERYONE EXCEPT CURT. PURE CRACK RIGHT HERE, NO TAKE SERIOUSLY. CRACKFICCRACKFICCRACKFIC


**AN:** HI! THIS IS IN CAPSLOCK FOR A REASON, BECAUSE ITS CRACKY AND WHEN ITS CRACKY IT NEEDS TO BE IN CAPSLOCK AND NOT LOSERCASE! THAT AND ITS MORE AMUSING THAT WAY. SO! INTRODUCING MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT CRACK AND A RIDICULOUS STORY FIRST SPAWNED BY THE UNAIRED BTR PILOTS. THERE IS NO SEX, BUT HEAVY SEXUAL THEMES, AND WE ALL LIKE THOSE. THANK YOU FOR READING MY RIDICULOUS LITTLE ATTEMPT AT 100% PURE HUMOR. AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHO DUSTIN/DBELT IS YOU NEED TO IMMEDIATELY. WONDERFUL-NESS AWAITS YOU.

*****21ST CENTURY FOX INTRO MUSIC*****

**THE EPICALLY CRACKY FAIRY TALE KNOWN AS BIG TIME RUSH  
><strong>**OR THE ONE WHEREIN THERE IS NO CURT NO MORE  
>OR THE ONE WHEREIN KENDALL IS THE OTHER MAN BUT THEN ISN'T<br>OR THE ONE WHEREIN EVERYONE LOVES EVERYONE EXCEPT CURT**

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A BOY BAND NAMED BIG TIME RUSH. JAMES LOGAN AND CARLOS WERE THE ORIGINAL THREE THEN THEY DECIDED THEY NEEDED TO BE MORE EPIC AND LESS LIKE THE JONAS BROTHERS AND NEEDED A FOURTH LULZY MAN, RIGHT? WELL.

THEY LOOKED THROUGH THE PREVIOUSLY AUDITIONED BOYS, TRYING TO FIND A SUITABLE FOURTH. PRODUCTION LIKED THREE OTHER BOYS, ONE BEING CURT AND ONE BEING KENDALL, AND THE OTHER BEING JETT. ER, DAVID CADE. THE BOYS WERE ALL, "OKAY LETS SEE THESE LULZY MEN AGAIN."

WELL, THEY GOT RID OF JE-DAVID PRETTY QUICK. THEY WERE LIKE "MEH, HES OKAY BUT NOT FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC." AND THEN THEY WORKED WITH CURT. WELL PRODUCTION LIKED CURT, BUT THE BOYS WERE DISSATISFIED. IN MANY WAYS. ESPECIALLY LOGAN. AND CARLOS. BECAUSE CARLOS IS AN OCD PERFECTIONIST.

THEN THEY WORKED WITH KENDALL. AND, SEE, THESE BRIGHT LIGHTS SHONE DOWN FROM THE HEAVENS WHEN KENDALL ARRIVED DUE TO HOW FABULOUS AND SPARKLY AND LULZY HE WAS. AND THE BOYS LOVED HIM. ESPECIALLY LOGAN. AND JAMES WAS TOTALLY INTO DAT ASS.

SEE, THE ORIGINAL BOYS OF BIG TIME RUSH DECIDED THAT THEYRE ALL TOO PRETTY TO NOT JUST GET INTO EACH OTHER'S PANTS IMMEDIATELY. ALSO DUE TO THE EXTENDED TIME THEY SPENT TOGETHER CRASHED ON EACH OTHER'S COUCHES AFTER DRUNKEN MAKE-OUTS AND LOGAN CONFESSING HOW HE ALWAYS WANTED A REAL LIFE CROCODILE NAMED LESTER AND ALL REALIZING THAT FUCK YES THEY'RE ALL HOT WHY NOT JUST FUCK ALREADY?

BUT, PRODUCTION DID NOT LIKE KENDALL. HE WAS TOO FUNNY LOOKING, REALLY. ESPECIALLY HIS EYEBROWS. WHAT TEENAGE GIRLS WANT A MAN WITH HUGE CATERPILLARS AS EYEBROWS? NONE, THAT'S WHO, THEY REASONED. THEY JUST NEEDED A THIRD OPTION AND HE WAS THE ONE THEY LIKED BEST OUT OF OTHERS STILL IN THE AREA. PRODUCTION WANTED EITHER DAVID OR CURT BECAUSE TEENAGE GIRLS WOULD WANT POSTERS OF THEM ON THEIR WALLS AND PASTE THEIR HEADS ONTO NAKED BODIES ON TUMBLR. WELL. THE BOYS DIDN'T LIKE THEM, NO MATTER HOW PRETTY THEY MAY BE.

WELL. AFTER THAT, LOGAN WOULD MEET UP WITH KENDALL IN SECRET. SINCE, YANNO, THEY'RE KOGAN. THEY NEED EACH OTHER. AND LOGAN IS A NEEDY LITTLE SLUT THAT WAY. THEY RUN AROUND FOR AWHILE. LOGAN 'CHEATS' ON HIS BOYS AND KENDALL CHEATS ON DUSTIN, WHO IS HIS RIDICULOUSLY HIPSTER BOYFRIEND WHO IS ADORABLE AND LOVELY. (POOR DUSTIN. BECAUSE HE DIDN'T REALLY DESERVE IT. BUT KOGAN REALLY CANT HELP IT.)

AFTER WHILE, LOGAN BRINGS KENDALL TO SET ONE DAY AS A 'FRIEND' TO LOOK AROUND. CURT IS DISPLEASED. HE'S BEEN WANTING IN THE OT3 SINCE HE ARRIVED. BUT THE THREE DIDN'T FEEL IT THAT WAY WITH HIM BECAUSE HE IS A POMPOUS JERK, YOU SEE. HE WAS ANGRY. BUT THEN JAMES AND CARLOS FOUND OUT ABOUT KOGAN. WHILE THEY WERE HURT THAT LOGAN WOULD CHEAT ON THEM, THEY UNDERSTOOD BECAUSE THEY WANTED KENDALL TOO. ESPECIALLY DAT ASS. YEP, JAMES WAS DEFINITELY INTO THAT. AND CARLOS ALREADY EXPRESSED HIS FEELINGS ON HOW HE WOULD TOTALLY TOP THAT SHIT AND MAKE KENDALL CALL HIM 'PAPI'. LOGAN AND JAMES AGREED WITH THOSE SENTIMENTS.

SO. THEY ALL SNUCK AROUND WITH KENDALL. KEEPING IT A SECRET, DUE TO CURT BEING AN ASSFACE ABOUT IT. SORTA. THEY WEREN'T SUBTLE, BUT CURT'S A DUMBASS. KENDALL WAS ALWAYS CLOSE, STAYING THE THEIR DRESSING ROOMS WITH THE DOOR LOCKED, AND THEN JAMES OR CARLOS OR LOGAN WOULD DISAPPEAR FOR AWHILE MYSTERIOUSLY. THEY DECIDED THAT KENDALL WAS GONNA PLAY GUITAR IN THE BAND THAT DOES THE MUSIC FOR 'EM IF THEY EVER TOURED. PRODUCTION DIDN'T KNOW THAT YET, BUT THE BOYS DID. THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERED.

WELL. CURT FINDS KENDALL IN A CLOSET WITH JAMES. IN A COMPROMISING POSITION. (KENDALL WAS BEING A SLUT AS PER USUAL. BUT WHEN IS KENDALL NOT BEING A SLUT?) CURT IS ANGRIER THAN JAMES IS WHEN HE CAN'T FIND HIS MINI-CUPCAKES. HE TELLS PRODUCTION, EXPECTING TO GET THEM FIRED. BUT NO. PRODUCTION SAYS "OH WELL AS LONG AS THEY HIDE IT THEY CAN DO WTF THEY WANT, EXCEPT WITHHOLD THE CUPCAKES ON SET FOR AWHILE TO PUNISH JAMES". CURT IS EVEN MOAR INFURIATED, AND TELLS OFF THE THREE IN HIS POMPOUS WAY. WELL.

WHILE THE BOYS DO NOTHING EXCEPT TELL CURT TO GO SHOVE IT LIKE HE WISHES THEY WOULD, THIS MAKES FILMING AWKWARD. BECAUSE CURT IS BEING AN ASSFACE. PRODUCTION SEES CURT'S ASSFACE-NESS AND DECIDES TO DROP HIM AFTE LOOKING AT THE EDITED PILOT, AND SEEING THAT IT IS COMPLETE SHITY MCSHITNESS.

THEY GO BACK, AUDITION J—DAVID AGAIN. WELL. THE BOYS ARE DISAPPOINTED. THEY SAY "PLEASE GIVE KENDALL AND HIS EYEBROWS ANOTHER CHANCE."

PRODUCTION DECIDES THAT GIRLS WILL JUST LEARN TO LIKE LARGE EYEBROWS ON SKINNY WHITE HIPSTER BOYS, AND CAST HIM ANYWAY.

WELL. THAT'S HOW OUR BEAUTIFUL OT4 WHO WE LOVE AND ADORE CAME TO BE. THEY ARE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN CARLOS'S HOUSE AND ENJOY LONG WALKS ON THE BEACH THAT JAMES DRAGS THEM TO EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. THE END.

OH, AND THEN THEY DECIDE THAT DBELT IS ALSO VERY HOT. CARLOS WAS ALL OVER DAT ASS, AND A BEAUTIFUL LOVE WAS BORN. JAMES AND LOGAN FELL RIGHT INTO IT, AND KENDALL HAD ALWAYS LOVED HIS LITTLE DIRTY HIPSTER.

SO NOW THEY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER IN CARLOS'S HOUSE AND ON THE TOUR BUS WITH THEIR CHIA PET LESTER AND THEIR MANSION/TOUR BUS WINDOWSILL PLANT LIFE WHERE DBELT WILL ALWAYS GIVE INTO SOME KINKY TOUR BUS SEX WHEN KENDALL WON'T. BUT THEN KENDALL DOES IN THE END. AND EVERYONE IS HAPPY.

LOGAN IS STILL DISPLEASED WHEN DBELT JOINS IN ON THE PANSY ASS TOASTER USAGE, AND NOT WATERING LESTER WHEN LOGAN SPECIFICALLY ASKED DBELT TO WATER LESTER AND GIVE LESTER HIS LOVE. LOGAN DECIDES LESTER WILL HAVE TO STALK DBELT NOW, AND BUG CARLOS ALL OVER AGAIN, SINCE CARLOS HAS BEEN FORGETTING TO PUT LESTER IN THE SUN WHEN LOGAN ASKS HIM TO. HE DECIDES HE WILL BLAME JAMES THIS TIME.

THE END.


End file.
